


Killing you, killing me, or killing time

by myoue



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied Levi/Erwin Smith, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-17 18:37:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1398337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myoue/pseuds/myoue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren and Levi are roommates, but five years is a long time for them not to be friends. Either way, Eren doesn’t want to step over boundaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Killing you, killing me, or killing time

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT 04/10: i changed the title because i really didn't think too hard about the last one and it's been bothering me... eheh.. sorry

He has class just an hour after Levi is supposed to leave for work but he stays behind to make breakfast for the both of them and offer the occasional kick to Levi’s sleeping body when it doesn’t want to get out of bed.

“You wanna do that again? Kick me _one_ more time,” is what Eren usually gets when he’s being extra pestering and Levi is in an extra irritable mood.

But all the same, Levi drags himself out of bed before Eren can yell at him one more time saying he’ll sweep up all the dust in the room and just dump it in the middle of the floor.

That gets him up more easily than anything else.

Levi’s pleased that as soon as he finishes his shower, the sausages and eggs are immediately placed in front of him on the table. He eats, watching Eren rush around to get his own things ready while chewing on a piece of toast.

“Did you even brush your hair?” Eren fusses once he’s gotten a glance at Levi, dropping his bag on the floor to mat down Levi’s hair and fix his collar in the process. “Or even brush your teeth?”

“Of course I brushed my teeth. You think I’m unhygienic or something?” Levi chides, conveniently ignoring the first question.

“Do you want me to tie your tie for you?” Eren offers.

Levi’s about to protest but finds he doesn’t have the energy and Eren doesn’t have the patience to wait for an answer. He lets Eren do what he wants with the piece of silk being tied around his neck, and he waits patiently.

It’s quiet when they’re just here like this, a morning of chaos turning into a moment of calm and Eren’s fingers are deft and careful on his neck. He concentrates on getting it right and Levi tries not to fall back asleep, which is hard. For good measure, Eren pats down on the tie and Levi jerks awake.

After that, they’re up and rushing again and Levi has to squeeze his eyes open and closed multiple times.

“Okay, I’ve got to go,” Eren says brightly, a little too brightly, and practically sprints to the door. “Don’t piss off your coworkers!” he calls back.

Levi just sits there only vaguely aware of his surroundings. “Thanks,” he manages to say in a dead tired voice before Eren leaves completely. He’s not even sure if Eren hears him.

But Eren does, every time.

-

“You’re sure?” Armin says to him in class before the teacher’s walked in and before Eren can groan in annoyance. “There’s nothing going on?”

“There’s nothing going on,” Eren confirms, forcing a smile so the topic is dropped.

“It’s been like this for too long,” Armin sighs, concern clear in his voice that only gets more on Eren’s nerves. “Things like this never work out…”

“It’s nothing,” he repeats harshly, so harsh it makes Armin bite his tongue.

And he’s not lying because it really is nothing.

-

One day, Eren feels his phone vibrating in the middle of class. He’s reluctant to check it but when he recognizes who’s calling him, he grabs his things and darts out of the classroom so fast that Armin and Mikasa don’t even have time to look up.

“Hello!?” he answers once he’s outside, and ignores the fact that his voice must have reverberated all the way down the hallway. He can already hear himself worry, just hoping this isn’t an emergency.

“Meet me in Grenadier Park,” comes Levi’s gruff voice. “Halfway between my work and your class.”

Eren calms himself with a short breath. He knows it would still take twenty minutes to walk there, though. But he barely even thinks about it, nodding his head without a moment’s hesitation. “Yeah, okay.”

It takes him fifteen minutes to get there when he jogs.

“What’s up?” Eren asks out of breath, once he spots Levi sitting on the bench he always sits at. He has an arm strung over the backside, holding a cigarette in his other two fingers.

“You ever hate someone so much you just wanna kill ‘em?” Levi asks bluntly when Eren sits down.

And for a moment, Eren thinks it’s referring to him. “Yeah, sometimes,” he admits.

Levi lets out a long drag, and Eren tries not to choke on the smoke. “It’s not like he even does anything now. Just sits there now. Up in the high seat,” Levi continues vaguely.

Eren knows immediately who he’s referring to. Always known who it was whenever Levi gets like this.

“Erwin, right,” Eren says, trying not to say the name like it brings up bad thoughts, even though it always does.

“I just keep remembering what we had…” Levi trails off, blowing smoke rings into the sky and watching them mingle and dissipate with the breaths of cold air. “And it never really goes away.”

Eren watches the snow blacken with the mixture of asphalt and mud he keeps rubbing his boot into. “But it’s in the past, right?” he interjects before Levi can keep dancing around the topic.

“Yeah, it’s in the past,” Levi agrees.

“It’s over, right?”

He becomes silent at that, and it makes Eren’s stomach turn in knots. Levi never gives a clear answer when it comes to this point, either saying nothing or haphazardly changing the subject. But then again, it never has been easy talking with Levi.

This time, it’s saying nothing as they both devolve into people watching and kicking away pigeons when they get too close. And Eren starts to wonder why he feels more and more disappointed every time this happens.

-

It’s the littlest things that set him off.

Sometimes it’s the way Levi takes forever in the bathroom, and Eren is left wondering what he’s even doing in there for hours on end. Sometimes Eren ends up kicking at the door, yelling why he’s taking so long, when he’s coming out, if everything’s okay.

Levi does come out eventually when Eren least expects it. He jumps to his feet, opening his mouth to say something, only to have Levi walk right past him, right out of the room, right out of the apartment.

Eren would go in to the bathroom afterward only to find that he’s misplaced his toothbrush or finds the shampoo bottle tucked away in the corner of the cupboard instead of on the shower stand. It’s like someone broke in and replaced all their condiments with eerily similar products in disconcerting locations.

It drives him up the wall, but he can never bring himself to ask Levi about it.

Or on some mornings when after Eren finishes tying his tie, Levi sometimes breaks their routine to go out on the balcony to have a smoke. He waves Eren off, who is concerned but already late and can’t risk staying for much longer.

And when Eren comes back in the evenings, he finds Levi in the exact same place, flicking cigarette ash off the edge and stabbing the stub into an already formed pile on the railing.

Eren is about to have a word with him, but finds he still can’t bring himself to ask what’s wrong. Not when Levi is standing out there without a jacket in the apex of winter in just a white dress shirt and black suit pants. Not when the wrist that holds his new cigarette perches on the railing just gracefully so. Not when his head tilts back like he’s looking towards God, even though Eren firmly knows he doesn’t believe in one. Not even when Levi pushes the pile of tobacco off the railing, scattering the cigarettes and ash into the wind and littering the air.

And Eren hates himself knowing he’s let Levi become so distracting in his life.

-

On one day, Eren decides to join him on the balcony. Ditching class and ditching work, or whatever it is they’re doing.

They stand at the railing, Eren looking down over the edge and Levi looking up. Opposite them is another concrete apartment building and below them is an empty street with nary a car.

“What if I told you to jump?” Levi asks jadedly, blowing smoke over the edge and dropping ash from fourteen stories up.

Eren rubs his hands together for warmth because it’s cold, blowing into them when it’s not enough, and just shrugs.

“I’d ask how high.”

-

Once the pile grows too large, Levi flicks it off the edge. He turns to go back in, shoving the door open so hard it almost cracks the glass.

“Fourteen stories high,” Levi answers, so quietly that it makes Eren hang on every word.

And fourteen stories is awfully high, Eren thinks, going in after him.

-

One night, Levi is stumbling home at 6 am and past the point of piss drunk.

“I slept with him,” is all he says, scrambling to find purchase on the kitchen counter.

Eren sits up, rubs his eyes despite having a crick in his neck from falling asleep on the couch.

“You what?” Eren replies, feeling his heart seize up even though he’s still sleepy and barely caught any of that.

“He made a pass at me and I took it,” Levi says simply. He says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “Sorry.” That was also said like he just didn’t give a fuck.

When he sees Levi falling all over the floor, Eren is getting up. He stalks over, grabbing the front of Levi’s clothes to pull him up, and realizing his shirt is wrinkled, dirty, filthy with something sticky and smelly, and his breath is putrid. His shirt is also already partially unbuttoned that Eren can see all the way down Levi’s chest.

He still doesn’t feel awake.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?” he stutters, trying to sound stronger than he feels. It’s painful because Levi felt the need to apologize, like he already knew it would piss Eren off. It’s painful because he won’t even remember this in the morning. “You think that’s good enough?”

His voice is raising louder and louder, shoving Levi and unintentionally throwing him back down to the floor. He winces when he sees the pained expression, but it doesn’t stop him.

“Do you feel good being treated like garbage by him?”

“Yeah.”

“You like giving yourself up to him whenever he asks?”

“ _Yeah_.”

“You like being used like a filthy fucking whore?”

“Yeah! I do!” Levi spits out.

Eren can only stare. Not comprehending. Not being able to feel anything but horrified that he has to hear to this. Hear Levi degrade himself to human trash when he deserves so much better.

It's painful.

“Fuck you,” Eren says in a whisper, because he can’t even come up with anything when his brain is clouded and he can already feel the nerves in his body growing fuzzy.

It’s the first time Levi doesn’t look at him at all and merely gets to his feet with an unsteady wobble and the most disgusted look on his face Eren’s ever seen. Eren thinks at first it’s for himself, but a moment of weakness crosses Levi’s eyes and it becomes dubious to the point that Eren’s suddenly sorry for everything he’s said.

Levi hobbles to the door and leaves, slamming it behind him like he does every time.

And Eren falls to his knees on the floor, feeling the worst pain he’s felt in years.

-

The next day, his head hurts so bad he can’t be bothered to go to class. And he feels like if he tries to eat he’ll just throw up. So he doesn’t.

-

It’s 3 in the morning and Eren busies himself by boiling water for tea. It’s not expensive tea or even ‘real’ tea, or at least so he was told. He’s tired and sleepy, and he can hear the rain storming down in buckets outside.

It’s been like that all day, Eren thinks.

The water boiler clicks just as he hears a knocking at the door. Leaving the kettle and the kitchen, he gets up immediately to answer it.

Hauling it open, he sees Levi wet and soaked to the bone. It’s not any surprise; Eren was expecting him after all. Those eyes of his dart up, looking exhausted or irritated from the rain or both. Eren hurriedly lets him in and shuts the door behind them without a word.

Levi tracks water all over the apartment as he shuffles out of his wet shoes and takes off his coat only to drop it over the counter.

“Do you want a shower?” Eren asks tentatively.

“No.”

“Some tea?”

“No.”

Levi sits on the couch in the living room, beckoning Eren over. Eren comes, and they sit there for a moment in silence before Levi drops his head onto Eren’s shoulder, leaning the rest of his body on his arm. Eren stiffens a bit before relaxing, and Levi’s hair is cold and wet against his cheek.

“Eren,” Levi starts, taking a breath that makes Eren’s body seize up just by hearing it. “I don’t like feeling like this.”

Eren is tempted to stay silent, to let Levi finish, but doesn’t this time. “Like what?”

Levi doesn’t have tobacco to breathe out his worries this time. “Like I’m worthless.”

Eren doesn’t know what to say. In fact, he probably never has all this time. He hears the ticking of the clock on the wall and the quiet whistling of the water boiler, but most of all he hears Levi’s sound breathing, low and deep and slow.

“Why do I have to feel like I’m useless in this world?” is all that Levi says.

The water drips onto Eren’s shoulder, soaking down his arm and making him shiver even though he tries not to move too much.

“You’re not useless,” Eren tries to reassure him, like he’s been trying to reassure himself that this is all normal. That they’re just two normal people.

“Convince me.”

It takes him off guard for a second, and he can feel Levi’s heartbeat hammering, or is it his own?

He takes a breath. “You’re smart and talented. You’re good at your job, you’re good at handling people. People look up to you and respect you.”

“Convince me,” Levi repeats, harsher this time. And Eren has to rack his brain.

“You’re not afraid of anything, you never make regrets. You can go anywhere you want, do anything you want…”

“ _Convince me_.”

His thoughts were on a runaway train track and they’ve halted to a stop. What exactly was he saying? What exactly is it Levi wants? All Eren can think is he wants to get up to go pour that tea, but Levi’s head still rests on his shoulder and he doesn’t want to move.

“You…” Eren starts again, playing with the hems of his sweater that Levi had gotten for him one Christmas. It’s store-bought but warm. “…You…”

And he can’t find the right words to say. Every time, they stop dead on his lips and the silence becomes more pregnant. He knows Levi’s waiting for an answer, needs to hear an answer from him. But he’s not the right person to ask.

Eren can already hear the scoff coming from Levi before he makes it, and feels the shift Levi makes to lift his weight off Eren.

“You…!” Eren says louder than necessary, running through answers in his mind that will make Levi believe him. “You’ll always tell me to clean things over and over, but only because you don’t want us to live in a mess.”

It’s random, but it makes Levi stop. He’s listening, and Eren continues despite everything.

“You can’t cook, but you take us out to eat at nice places.”

And he always takes the bill despite Eren’s best efforts.

“You always come home every night, even if it’s really late.”

Except sometimes it’s in the wee hours of the morning, but Eren doesn’t bother mentioning that.

“You sometimes glance at me when you think I don’t notice. “

Actually, Eren does that to Levi more.

“You want the best for both of us.”

Eren actually thinks that more.

“You make me happy.”

Eren’s the only one who thinks this.

Levi hasn’t said anything yet, letting him finish his rambling.

Eren waits for a response, wondering if he’s said too much, and yes he’s definitely said too much when the silence stretches on far longer than he wants.

“We’re not in a relationship, Eren,” is all Levi says, lifting his head off him but continuing to stare straight forward.

“I know.” Eren smiles sadly to no one but himself as Levi stands up, not looking at him.

The warmth that leaves Eren’s wet shoulder turns it numb and cold and it spreads so quickly throughout him he thinks he might be dying.

He closes his eyes when he hears the door to Levi's bedroom slam shut, deafening his ears and shaking the walls. And Eren wills himself not to cry again but he does anyway.

-

It's harder living with Levi.

Because he should really be fed up with it by now.

And sometimes, Eren swears to himself that this is the last time.

The last straw.

The last day.

That he'll put himself through this. The last time that he'll sleep on the edge of his bed curled in bedsheets and salt-stained pillows. Telling himself it's not his fault, it never is. So why does he have to feel like this?

And it's harder, because what he least expects to happen is the door to his bedroom creaking open, and a body dipping into the covers of his bed. But it does, and Eren feels Levi curling up against his back like a small shivering cat that's still cold and damp from the rain. The breath Eren feels on the back of his neck is warm, and he can't bring himself to move away.

"Sorry."

It's so hard and so painful because Eren wants to move away. He really does.

But his body betrays him and his feelings betray him and his heart betrays him, as he rolls over to hug Levi closer.

And they're officially roommates and unofficially friends, but they're also something more that Eren can't quite put a title on.

-

It's only a few hours before the alarm is ringing and Eren is struggling to open his eyes. He lies in bed, feeling the silk of Levi's shirt against his finger tips and the weight of Levi's arm over the side of his body.

He reaches to turn off the alarm, groggy, and kicking Levi gently to wake up. He doesn't move and Eren doesn't have the heart to kick him harder. But before he opens his mouth, Levi is kicking him back.

"Don't," Levi croaks, barely awake and barely comprehensible.

Eren stops for a moment, staring down at Levi breathing effortlessly slow and calm, and face looking free from the wrinkles of the day, free from worries and frustrations and life.

"Okay."

And so they sleep, because it feels nice just to stay here like this.


End file.
